Just Joshin,

My first post in ages, and I really wish I wasn't making it.

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 04:08:25 GMT

Have you ever moved somewhere at a key point in your life, a point where it's harder to transition than it has been before? Well i just recently did and I sorta just realized all the friends I thought I had, the close ones and the best friends were never really there more me. Let me explain.
When I began high school in Pennsylvania I made some of the best friends I have ever had, Allie Frank and Bobby Pierce-Cooke. We literally spent every waking moment with each other and for one whole summer I basically lived with them. Me and Bobby were inseparable at one point in time, we laughed together, cried together, ate together, I slept over every night, we even wound up dating two sets of best friends, which was awesome cause we were able to still be those close friends and hang out all the time. Me and Allie had a rough friendship but when we would hang out it was a party. From excursions to the country side behind her house to blasting tv/music in her basement and cooking 9876943 taquitos, we knew how to have a good time.
Now I don't have that. I moved to Florida and everyone had their 'cliques' and close friends. I mean yeah people were accepting of me, but everyone already knew who their best friends were and who their good friends were and in a way it seems like I never really got the shot to be anything more than a regular friend. Don't get me wrong, I know who I consider a close friend is but it's nothing like what I used to have, and I truly miss it.
I noticed this when i first moved here and it took me until now to realize all that I was missing and that my close friends aren't as close as I thought they were. I miss being bale to go to someone's house and be able to hang out all day, I miss being invited to dinner all the time, hell I even miss getting in arguments over who is more ninja then literally fighting about it, which I lost most the time aha.

I guess what I'm trying to say is i don't want to go through my Senior year without a best friend. and as much as I don't want that to happen, I know it will. and it sucks.
I hate feeling like this.

Dear Bobby and Allie,
I miss you.

haven't ranted in a long time

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 17:25:46 GMT

I swear I'm one of the best actors in my generation,
no one can even see the real me anymore, partly because I don't think
I should show it. But here it is, how I really feel, are you ready?
I'm not. Ugh here we go,

As many of you know I'm without a house as of late, the lease on my prior home
was up and we had to move out. So I've been staying with the nicest family
who have graciously opened their door for me while my family stays at a
family friends house. To be quite honest, I'm starting to go insane here.
As much as this place is a home, it's not my home, and I just can't stand
not having the security of my own house. I miss the feeling of being able to
go to my room, lay on my bed and just feel at home, just feel safe. I mean
I do love it here, the Doherty's are great people and good company but I
just want to be with my family again. I miss my family so much, I haven't
seen them since we moved out about three to four weeks ago. I miss waking up
to my brother and sister running around the house and my grandma trying to
stop them, I miss my mom waking up and cooking breakfast for my dad, hell I
even miss my dad laying around on the couch watching golf or blasting music.
My family truly is my all and I hate not being with them, I mean, what if my sister
forgets me, does she miss me? I don't even know. ugh. It honestly has been ripping
me to shreds and even typing this makes me want to cry. But I'm doing the mature
thing and just keeping it to myself and not bothering my family about it,
about anything, so that they can get everything on track. I miss them so much though
but you already know that.

So lets move onto another field of my life, my love life. I am sososo happy with
this aspect of my life right now. I am currently dating Sean McDonald and we've been
dating a little over two weeks. He really makes me happy and I have feelings for him
that I haven't had in someone in a long time. The only negative aspect of it is he
lives all the way in Tampa, he attends USF for summer session. I don't realy know
what else to say, I would go into everything I like about him, and talk about him
but i feel that's really personal, but I will say that I do love the guy and am so
happy we met, even though he doesn't remember us meeting at all ;)

So there you have it, my lowest low and my highest high, as of now at least.
All the stuff in the middle is just sorta pish posh that I think will find its
way of sorting itself out once I get my life back in a strict routine.

I'm alive, I'm alive, I am so alive.

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 03:26:57 GMT

I almost texted you today
ranting about my father
then i realized truly everything that has happened
wow, I'm an ass.

I never thought everything would fall apart right at the end of it all. I never thought i would have to struggle to figure things out on my own. I've been so blessed lately with friends that I haven't had to deal with my family problems or my personal issues because I've been distracted with everyone and everything, and so it seems that now, when I'm 'alone' sitting in my quiet room, I've never had so much noise in my ears. Just pure utter screams in my face, everything i threw aside, my health, my family, my studies, just everything came and hit me this weekend, to the point where I don't know how i didn't realize I'm so messed up. That's why I'm freaking out, That's why I'm being melodramatic, because for once I'm having to deal with eveything and to top that, I'm doing everything on my own.

but I got this. I can figure this out, I can fight my way through my own life. I'm alive.

I am more than memory
I am what might be, i am mystery
You know me
So show me
When I appear, it's not so clear if I'm a single spirit or i'm flesh and blood

But I'm alive, I'm alive, I am so alive
And I'll show you the world through my open eyes
I'm alive, I'm alive, it's a sole surprise
I'm alive, so alive
I'm alive

Tomorrow we can drive around this town

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 02:51:22 GMT

And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take its place...hey jealousy

nothing is right, nothing is safe
i'm falling deeper and deeper into a spiral again
all my friends are leaving
my grades are horrible
i'm not eating right
my love life is non existent now
but it's still confusing as hell
i know what i want
but i can't have it.

I set myself up for failure.
that's all i am, failure.

failure by design.

a certain love.

Sat, 09 May 2009 15:10:17 GMT

With the spotlight above me,
hard wood down below
watch the curtains move
a certain ebb and flow
feel the butterflies extinguish
as the curtains draw back.
showtime.

right before bed.

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 03:46:26 GMT

i wish i could feel infinite
i wish i could feel at all
everything is numb
nothing seems to matter anymore.

I've been so caught up in the he said she said lately
that the world seems so far away
and i can't believe it's gotten this way.
So lately i've taken a stand,
no more will i be apart of the drama,
I will do nothing to you,
so be courteous and take my name off your lips.

1) you're getting annoying, you're too immature for me to care anymore
2) please shutup
3) go away

thats all i need to say
to multiple people
so here it is.

don't tell me if I'm dying

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 22:38:14 GMT

cause I don't want to know.

I think I'm losing my creative edge
or maybe I'm just losing my mind
either way, it's not good.

Lately things have been really topsey turvey and just all around strange
whether it be this new me that's emerging or the choir program being cut
things just don't feel.... right? normal? I don't even know anymore.
and everyone's so close to leaving, it's hard to make a lasting impression on them all
cause I might not be here when they get back, it's scary to think about.

but good things have happened lately too
like seeing some of my old friends from PA
especially Grayson, I missed him so much.

I have so much on my mind
I want to let it out, spill it all
but I don't know who to word it
I just want to sleep away all eternity
because then nothing bad can happen
nothing good can happen
no one will be disappointed in me
no one will get let down
my emotions will lay dormant
my mind wont have anything to race around
life can just go on, without me
sounds peaceful, blissful

might just be my ego talking but

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 02:03:38 GMT

i am so embarrassed from tonight, thanks so much
really helps to yell at a guy about how bad he is
when he's looking for osme sort of reassurance that he's in the right field

thanks so much

untitled

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 21:13:53 GMT

have you ever felt like you just needed someone
not any specific, not anyone particularly close
just someone to reassure you that what you're doing is the right thing
that you don't have your hopes up for nothing.
have you ever felt like you wanted to make someone proud?
i want to make you proud of me,
proud to be my friend, proud to say you love me
i just want to live up to expectations i know i'll never be able to.
my own.

so i'll blend into the wall, just another brick you look over.

why do i feel like this

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 03:46:56 GMT

like something is wrong with me

i feel unbalanced,
like there's something missing
something just isn't right

maybe Charlie's right
maybe i need to be more outwardly selfish
and be happy again
but change is so hard to do
when you've fallen in the daily routines
of a so called life,
a paper life,
i am paper.

So much I need to say

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 02:56:22 GMT

so much I fear to write.
when will this hate turn to love?
when will this love stray away?
it's too good to be true,
I can't believe it, no i refuse

the silence screams the truth.

I wish I had that someone

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 02:25:19 GMT

that i could talk to
but not just anyone
someone who understands what it is I'm going through
someone who can help me help myself
i don't want someone to give me advice,
nor do i want someone to fix my problems for me
I just want someone who I know gets me
and will be there beside me
when my world falls down again.

I miss you man,
I love you mom,
happy birthday.

saying goodbye, one last time.

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 04:48:45 GMT

tonight i went to sarasota with a group of people to see the Young Americans perform there
and it was amazing, not only did i get the chance to be apart of such a great experience
i got to witnes others doing what i did, and it was really awesome.
during the last song, the lion king medley Sal, Chris, Gary and I jumped in
and let me tell you it felt so nice to be able to do it again,
to be able to be apart of the group one more time.

This is what i want. Truly, it is my passion.

So here i am, saddened by the departure of the Young Americans
this is truly the last time that I will be able to see them
because they leave for South Carolina in about six hours.
But for some reason I'm not as sad as before
because this isn't really goodbye forever
it's goodbye for now.
Before i never realized how easy it is to keep in touch with them
I mean yeah it's not the same talking to them on the net as it is talking to them in person
but hey, at least we're all able to keep in touch, right?

So for tonight's performance i had the pleasure of sitting next to Jeramy's family
in particular, his younger brother,
and I got to see how it is like to be on the other side looking up,
It was his first time to ever see a live show
and he seemed so proud of his older brother, really so proud of the group
he had questions about the group that i was able to answer
and seemed very happy in general to be there.

this post is probably going to be so jumbled up with random thoughts
but i really want to let it all out and write it all down
i need to.

Today i was able to give Corey his necklace
He seemed to like it, he wore it the rest of the night
I was really happy to see that
he made a great impact on my life
and i hope he really knows how much i appreciate him
he brought back a passion of mine
and really showed me what i wanted to do with the rest of my life.
thank you. you've inspired me, given me someone to look up to
and helped me realize some things in my life that aren't necessarily easy to come by
if that makes any sense at all.

Im very happy that i was able to go tonight
i would have regretted it so much if i didn't
and seeing everyone again
it was great, they seemed to like it too
we were talking in the car on the way back
and momma doh heard that they said it was liek having family there
and that really made me feel god
to know not only did they impact us
but we impacted them, made them feel at home.
you guys will always have a place here in cape coral florida
especially in the hearts of those who went through the experience.

I have so much more to say
but i just can't find the words to say it
Shuka tonight gave me and others japanese coins
after seeing my vietnamese one i wear
and its so cool to be able to have a piece of them
right next to everything that i hold dear
cause if you haven't realized yet my coin and ring mean a lot to me
so now i have another piece to cherish
i also feel it will give me hope and keep me going
thank you shuka.

whenever i say goodbye to someone
i always think to myself
look to the stars at night
watch how they twinkle, watch how they shine
what you see is what they see
it's the one place where you can be together
no matter what happens in life, no matter where they are
the moon is still shining above
the stars are always twinkling
so just look up
and you're together again.
So i find myself here right now looking out upon the sky
being together with my new friends, my old friends, and people i have yet to meet
I'm never alone. even if I'm all by myself,
I'm never alone.

nothing really fits as a subject

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 03:06:28 GMT

my room is a mess
my head is scrambled
i don't want to go to school
and i fail at procrastinating.

that's basically my night.

I just want to know where it leads to

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 04:47:13 GMT

can't you answer em that?

So many questions going in my head,
too much to handle
ugh, I just want to be at peace again.

Today was such a hard day,

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 05:44:52 GMT

so graceful, almost like capturing a snapshot of the soul of a YA
the soul of a performer.

not only for me but for a lot of people.

A good friend of mine today was really upset about the Young Americans leaving
and made such a great point out of a phrase most of us use
but don't really understand the meaning, it was
"you don't know what you got until it's gone"
and that is exactly what this is.
I never thought i would connect with people over a three day time span so much
that I would literally be in tears almost all day.
But these people who came to us these past few days,
they really impacted so many of us in such great ways that really
it's just crazy to fathom I might not ever see them again.
Actually it's tear jerking to think about that.

This morning I woke up late on possibly the worst day to ever sleep in
While I was sleeping Corey and the rest of the YAs came into the school to say goodbye
and i wasn't there. I feel so bad.
As i walked up to sign in for school the lady at the front desk told me
and right then and there I started balling
I walked into pre-calc absolutely a mess and had to leave
for a second to collect myself.
never in my life have I been unable to control my emotions like today
I miss everyone so much, it's like I have nothing to look forward to after school,
or even during school at that matter.

So to all the Young Americans out there
I want you to know you presence in Cape Coral lifted everyone to great heights
and it is so hard to see you go,
the friends that were made, the connections that were formed,
they will never be forgotten,
and I feel like I can speak for everyone when I say that.
You left such a great impact on all of our lives, thank you
from the bottom of our hearts.

My Young Americans Experience

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 04:36:14 GMT

These past three days have been some of the best in my life.
With the young Americans workshop I really think i was able to let go of so much
everything that was bothering me, whether it be in the past, the present
or even the future I was able to let it go and express myself in dances
I didn't even know I would be able to do.
The Young Americans were great, each and every person so energetic
But there was one guy in particular that I will never forget,
he understood me. He understood what I've been through in life
not all parts but he knew how I felt,
and really he's the first person to be able to do that.
I know i might sound SO creepy saying all of this, but I really will never forget it
He helped me let out my anger, frustration, all through a single dance
and really i think it's the best I've performed cause i really felt what I was doing
I felt emotion behind each movement, each lyric, it all felt right.
Thank you Corey, you've given me hope for the future
and have really given me someone to look up to.
Thank you man, for everything and then some.

I wish it didn't have to end.
But who says this is the end?
There's always the future to look forward to.
But I'm not going to get my hopes up.

Such mood swings

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 05:39:20 GMT

it goes from being at home in such a down mood,
to going to school anticipating Young Americans
and then having such a good time there.

I don't know why it's so up and down.
I don't understand it either.
I mean I know why I'm so happy for the workshops
but why so sad when I'm at home.
skjdfhaskjfslkjhf

Do I have to scream it to you,

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 03:36:13 GMT

or should I spell it in the sky?
I can't handle it anymore
I'm losing everyone it seems,
I don't really talk to my two best friends up north anymore,
me and Dylon never get to talk anymore, and I don't even understand why
and now I realize me and Kevin aren't even that close
so where do i turn
what do i do
I need someone to talk to
but everyone I trust the most seems to have backed away from me
for one reason or another
not saying someone is at fault in each situation
but I don't know where to go
everyone else has someone else to talk to, to lean on when need be
except me, but I guess that's what I get for not knowing anyone for years on end like you guys
for just having moved here a year ago.
What's worse is it's not like i can just bring someone into my trust either
moving around so much has killed that,
I have too many issues for my own good
and no one to help me with them.
Guess it's time to learn how to be independent again,
thought I was done with that for good
but now I guess it's time to bring it back.

I really hope everyone reads this,
especially those who can do something,
i don't want to go back to that,
it changes me, for the worse,
in my opinion at least.

I just want to cry

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 01:27:42 GMT

my eyes want it too
they're so dry
ugh.
High school musical three put me in a weird mood
thinking of everyone leaving.
=/

so let me sleep tonight

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 04:25:03 GMT

let my pillow be the blockade
of the mad rush trying to get in
let my blanket protect from the raid
of the tyranny of sin
let the heavens decide where to put me
in their gates or down below
let the tears cried overcome me
and save me from sinking low.

this is the reality of it all
the sadness of the fall
the loneliness
the agony
the pain
the defeat
the wretchedness
the anguish
the immorality
the sin.
i am sin.
born and raised
i am sin
until the end of my days

or should i say this night.
goodbye my love, goodbye.

Lonliness is sure to ensue

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 02:45:45 GMT

I started thinking tonight about all the people I've come to know
and come to lose in my lifetime
and really, it's saddening to think of all the faces
once held so tight in my memory are beginning to fade
to disappear into the bog of eternal stench never to be heard of again.

And soon enough, I'll be going through that process yet again, but this time,
it's the opposite, they'll be leaving me, for the first time in my life
it won't be me leaving, going away, it will be my friends, my best friends at that.
And I really don't know how I'm going to handle it.
they keep me sane, they keep me happy, they keep me form making mistakes
even though I know I can around them. What's going to happen to me?
Will you remember me a year from now when you're off living the college life?
Will I have made an impact on your life before you leave so that you have a reason
to come back and see me? I'm so scared of losing people,
I'm so scared of being alone.

i miss the past

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 04:06:12 GMT

but i love the present..... i don't know what i want =[

Hey Jealousy

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 02:30:46 GMT

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take its place...hey jealousy

This world doesn't make sense to me anymore, all the things i believed in about occurrences and events doesn't appear to be true to me anymore. What did i do to deserve these past two weeks? Where are you karma? And even besides that, why did this happen? What's the reasoning behind it? I just can't deal with this, if this is a new trend, just kill me now.

i'll see you in my nightmares

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 01:09:08 GMT

So long time no talk LJ. I don't really know what to post other than that I'm about to leave to go to Cece's once Claire gets off work and gets me. yeah so obvz im never on here but happy day after valentine's day.

usually when i post i post about something specific so i'll make this one worth while. it'll be about how i failed to go with my instincts which i will never do again.

so recently i was at a party that wound up getting pretty big and being crazy. Well i hadn't drank nor done any drugs or anything and didn't really feel in my element at the party and wanted to go home at around midnight and almost called my parents to get me. but didn't. which is exactly where i went wrong. i wound up having an okay time, not that fun of a party for me and as i was cleaning up everyone else's mess, the cops decide to show up [around 2-3 am] because someone had passed out in the bathroom and someone called the cops to come get that person. Well we didn't get in trouble by the cops, due to the fact that we weren't doing anything at the time but still it was busted and i didn't even want to be there in the first place!

so basically i now know : always follow my instincts,
no matter what.